I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
