Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
