I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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