Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
