they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
