we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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