What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
