What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
