it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
