I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
