Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
