yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
