im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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