so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
