finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
