She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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