Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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