hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
