hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
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Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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