in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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