I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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