Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
