You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
