two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
