Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
