Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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