my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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