i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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