about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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