I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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