I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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