Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
