I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
