Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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