i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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