If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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