I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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