I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
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You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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