so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
