remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the day after is always just damage control
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
