You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
