i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
