Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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