I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
