so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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