I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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