worst night to have a conscience
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
