let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
