Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
