Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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