You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
