porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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