Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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